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A Few Comments by Jack Handey

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

If anyone says he hates war more than me, well, he better have a knife on him. That's all I can say.

So Long, Mom (A Song for World War III)

By Tom Lehrer

So long, Mom
I'm off to drop the bomb
So don't wait up for me
But while you swelter
Down there in your shelter
You can see me
On your TV

While we're attacking frontally
Watch Brinkally and Huntally
Describing contrapuntally
The cities we have lost
No need for you to miss a minute
Of the agonizing holocaust, yeah!

Little Johnny Jones he was a U.S. pilot
And no shrinking vi'let was he
He was mighty proud when World War Three was declared
He wasn't scared, no siree!

And this is what he said on
His way to Armageddon

So long, Mom
I'm off to drop the bomb
So don't wait up for me
But though I may roam
I'll come back to my home
Although it may be
A pile of debris

Remember, Mommy
I'm off to get a commie
So send me a salami
And try to smile somehow
I'll look for you when the war is over
An hour and a half from now!


Excepts from Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb

To see the entire script click here.

Air Force General Jack D. Ripper:

"I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiricy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids... "

Air Force General Buck Turgidson:

"Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say... no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh... depended on the breaks. "

U.S. President Merkin Muffley calling Soviet leader Dimitri Kissov:

"Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can't hear too well, do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little?

Oh, that's much better. Yes. Fine, I can hear you now, Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming through fine. I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then as you say we're both coming through fine. Good. Well it's good that you're fine and I'm fine. I agree with you. It's great to be fine.

[laughs]

Now then Dimitri. You know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. [pause]

The bomb, Dimitri ... the hydrogen bomb!

Well now what happened is, one of our base commanders, he had a sort of, well he went a little funny in the head. You know. Just a little... funny. And uh, he went and did a silly thing. Well, I'll tell you what he did, he ordered his planes... to attack your country. Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me finish, Dimitri.

Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you imagine how I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello? Of course I like to speak to you. Of course I like to say hello. Not now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened. It's a friendly call. Of course it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't friendly, ... you probably wouldn't have even got it.

They will not reach their targets for at least another hour. I am... I am positive, Dimitri. Listen, I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick. Well I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run down on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes. Yes! I mean, if we're unable to recall the planes, then I'd say that, uh, well, we're just going to have to help you destroy them, Dimitri. I know they're our boys.

Alright, well, listen... who should we call? Who should we call, Dimitri? The people...? Sorry, you faded away there. The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is that, Dimitri? In Omsk. Right. Yes. Oh, you'll call them first, will you? Uh huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dimitri? What? I see, just ask for Omsk Information.

I'm sorry too, Dimitri. I'm very sorry. Alright! You're sorrier than I am! But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't say that you are more sorry than I am, because I am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we're both sorry, alright? Alright."

Dr. Strangelove and Soviet Ambassador Alexiy DeSadeski:

Strangelove:

Yes, but the... whole point of the doomsday machine... is lost... if you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh?

DeSadeski:

It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.

Air Force General Buck Turgidson:

"I think it would be extremely naive of us, Mr. President, to imagine that these new developments are going to cause any change in Soviet expansionist policy. I mean, we must be... increasingly on the alert to prevent them from taking over other mineshaft space, in order to breed more prodigiously than we do, thus, knocking us out in superior numbers when we emerge!

Mr. President, we must not allow... a mine shaft gap!"